steadyaku47

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Monday, 24 October 2016

cakap cakap...Life.



8.48 PM Monday 24th October 2016:

In my mind, I have already decided to take a break from blogging. 

The hard part is trying to find a good enough reason to do so....and if truth be told I have no other reason then to tell myself that the time spent working on this blog keeps me from spending that time with my wife. 

I want to spend more time with her...not more time at my keyboard writing. 

I find that even when she is in the bed a few feet away from my desk resting or trying to go to sleep....most times I see her looking at me. She cannot say anything but she looks at me and I know in my heart that she is asking why I am at the keyboard and not lying down beside her....and if truth be told, I would rather spend time with her than blogging.

So what am I to do now?

Yes, my Gout is bothering me but I have worked through pain before. This time around the pain from the gout is a good excuse for me to not write! That is why I know that I needed time to think this through and find the real reason why I am not driven to write as I have been doing these last year or so.

It has been two weeks since my last posting. Exactly two weeks....and I made myself sit down to write this and explain to you guys the thoughts that are going through my head now. 

I do not know when dementia will take away from my wife all her memories of me. Even now there are times when she drifts away into a world of her own. She does not respond to anything that I say to her but when I hold my hand towards her....she will reach out to hold it. 

When I am getting her ready in the morning there are times when she reaches out to touch and hold my face for a while and she will look at me and I know that she does recognize me but she is unsure who I am. But then there are also times when she knows it is me and we are comfortable in our own company. Increasingly, those moments are not as often as I would like them to be....so that is why I want to spend as much time as I can with her now while she can still remember me.

The long goodbye has started and I am dealing with it the best way I can.....time with each other is the only way that can make my heart and my mind be at ease for whatever is to come.

Enough for now....I am going to try and work out how to deal with all this....my wife and my desire to write and blog....and see what I can come up with. 

For all the thoughts and best wishes you have all sent me...many thanks. I do not know how all this will work out but all things must pass.....and so shall this.